Extracts from the book

The Memorial Service - 3 days later

… Moving in a dream

    of pure unreality.

Screaming inside

    No, No, No.

He is not dead.

He cannot be. …

10 days later

… I can’t bear it any more.

   Not to be able to touch you.

   To feel your arms around me.

   To feel your love and care

       enveloping me like a soft cushion. …

People - 3 months

… No-one is Him.

No-one can feel what I feel.

No-one can really help.

In that aching place inside

    I am all alone.

7 months

… As a shadow I move around,

    confused in the darkness.

Crying out in vain

    for you,

    for your presence,

    for your comforting body,

    for your love.

And it does not come.

I can’t stand it.

The pain of it.

The longing

    for what can no longer be.

I want to just

    sink away

        and die.

But I don’t die.

I am doomed to go on living

    without you. …

17 months

Still bleeding.

Still feeling like a wounded animal

    without you

The pain does not go away.

It goes deeper.

It is becoming more real. …

19 months

You visit me

    every now and then.

Is it really you,

    your soul

or my longing

    for contact with you?

11/2 years

…It is better to have loved

   and lost,

   than not to have loved at all.

It is better to feel pain

   than nothing at all.

21/4 years

There is a hole in myself

    that I must fill with myself.

Oh, how desperately,

    I would like to fill that hole

        with someone else.

Not to feel this aching emptiness.

This aloncness.

The temptation is so strong

    to use another

        to complete myself. …

21/2 years

He died.

My whole world collapsed.

Emptiness.

Nothingness.

A desert.

In this desert

A plant is growing,

    seeking minute drops

        of moisture everywhere.

Using all its innate

    resources and creativity

        to survive.

Nourished for the first time

    mainly by itself.

Struggling at first

    but growing ever stronger.

Recognising the peace

    that the desert holds.

        The wide open spaces.

        The freedom.

        The great challenge

            of survival.

Overwhelmed

    by the unexpected beauty

        of the emerging sunrise.

3 years

I fell

    deep, deep

        into the abyss.

I came out again

    and found

        a freedom

            unimaginable before.

3 years

… Three years ago, there was no future.

Now, the unknown beckons encouragingly.

Three years ago, I could not get out of bed in the morning.

Now I feel the gentle pull of the new day ahead.

3 years ago, I could not imagine another man in my life.

Now all is open.

Three years ago, I felt I had reached the end.

Now, it is as if I am standing

    at the threshold of a new beginning.

4 years

Rejoice in being alive.

    Yes, Yes.

Forget you?

Never. …